Helmut Newton, contrast, kink & navigating the highs & lows
An abnormally sunny day in Berlin…
As I entered through the museum doors I was pondering the realm of vulnerability, of feeling deeply “exposed” in ones power and yet also paradoxically disconnected from it. It was at this moment that I was met by the most striking image, above the grand staircase of the Museum of Photography, displayed in breathtakingly large format, Helmut Newtons ‘Big Nudes’ collection. I was instantly met by the captivating gaze of one of the women, one of the most powerful images of a naked woman I have ever witnessed, not sexualised, not “pretty” not smiling, but a force of beauty, nature and power standing before me, laid bare. Feeling the deep contrast in the evocation of this image and my current emotional landscape, I knew at this moment that this visit on this day would draw me into reflection and have me delving into this realm of contrast, power and vulnerability.
One element of Newtons work that is impossible to ignore is the deep beauty and power of his relationship to kink that is portrayed in so much of his work. The second element that signals to us a signature Newton style, is his stark contrasting black and whites. These two elements will be our ring masters for this conversation today, exploring the contrasting dynamics, power, beauty and emotional states of bdsm and kink.
What goes up must come down?
The connection I made with these images as I entered the museum was instantaneous and deeply powerful, much like the connections we make in kink and bdsm, which can land much deeper and much faster than the more “tradtional” forms of connection. This can thus lead us to very intense emotional and physical highs, and much like the contrast of Newtons stark black and whites, in opposite, some very poignant lows. We talk about these emotional movements in the kink community as ‘Sub drop’ but what is less spoken about within this dichotomy is 'Domme/Dom drop’.
When two people enter into a d/s exchange together, they are two people entering into a deeply vulnerable exchange, a nuanced yet balanced exchange of power and trust. The depths of deeply present, deeply embodied, deeply emotional connection and intimacy that can be achieved in these exchanges can translate into intense emotional, mental and somatic highs. What is less discussed around this topic is how BOTH people in the exchange can experience the same level of vulnerability, and thus the same level of ‘drop’, no matter which side of the d/s coin they are on.
As a Domme I often found it hard to describe how it can feel for me on the other side of a bdsm exchange, having experienced both sides of the coin, being in a submissive role for many years before landing in my now more natural dominant state. I felt it more natural and organic to understand and be accepted in my ‘drop’ as a submissive but as a dominant it almost felt like a label I was somehow not allowed to claim, after all I was the one with the “power” and the “control” and “not offering” the same level of vulnerability as a submissive. I quickly realised this was entirely not the case. In the d/s dynamic we are meeting each other as equals, a concept sometimes hard for people new to the realm to understand, but it is a truly a balanced and equal exchange. It of course flows in and out with the scales tipping one way or the other throughout each journey, but overall it is balanced. Balanced in vulnerability, in power and in trust, so thus it makes perfect sense that the potential level of ‘drop’ or low afterwards can be the same for each.
When the clouds roll over…
Holding space and energy for a submissive, feeling their gift of trust and submission, their desire, admiration, lust, tenderness and devotion is a deeply exhilarating and beautiful experience of contentment and embodied presence, the closest analogy I can liken this too is to laying in the sunshine. As a self confessed owner of an actirasty fetish, it seems to me, the perfect analogy! This ‘come down’ from the highs of domination is accustomed to a parituclar feeling that arises from laying in the sunshine on a glorious day. Feeling the loving embrace of the warm sun’s rays on your skin, fuelling your body with pleasure and energy. Then suddenly the clouds roll over, the sunshine dissapears and everything feels different, not terrible but different. Suddenly the skin is chilled, and the hairs prickle across across your body in a deep shiver, you feel a little colder and a little more vulnerable and perhaps in need of a soft warm towel to be wrapped around you, in our analogy, this towel is what we call ‘aftercare’.
Dommes need love too…
When we talk of ‘aftercare’ in the kink community there can be a tendency to lean this narrative towards the needs of the submissive, sometimes in turn, overlooking the equal needs of the Domme/Dom. As we discussed earlier the shared vulnerability can equal a shared need for aftercare, but what does aftercare look like? This is often personal to the individual, but for me it is primarily focused initially in a calming and resetting of our nervous system and a reassuring connection and comfort. This can look like many things for different people, but some elements that I like to include are; skin on skin contact, hugging, cuddling, hand holding, cradling the head, matching each others breathing, water (hydration is also very important after these somatic highs) calming teas etc… These elements are for the initial joint stages of aftercare, while the Domme and sub are still together in the space, and are beneficial for both parties, but aftercare does not always end here.
Aftercare can continue many hours or in fact days after the initial exchange, each case is different but it is good common practice to check in with your submissive after play or a session at least once afterwards. Something, myself as a Domme, have rarely experienced, is a submissive checking in with me. In fact, when this happened for the first time I was brought to tears, one at the kindness and awareness of this beautiful human, but also at the realisation that, “fuck I really needed that actually!” My journey in my dominant expression has been steeped in learnings about my own needs and desires through the pathway of holding space for others’ needs and desires. So I encourage you to check in on your Domme/Dom on their aftercare needs, after all Dommes need love too.
The world is not black and white…
We’ve spoken of the somatic aftercare but what about our magnificent minds, how do we take care of these in the aftermath of such beautiful intensity. Navigating these realms of highs and lows within the bdsm landscape can be challenging, here I believe contrast to be our guide. It is our proof of the existence of the ‘other’, much as day cannot exist without night, pleasure cannot exist without pain and joy cannot exist without sadness, this ‘opposition’ is what gives us access to the other. In this circumstance I refer to to the ‘drop’ feeling being a signal of the deep pleasure, emotional high, intense physical joy we have experienced prior. This knowledge can really serve to lessen the discomfort of the ‘drop’ and by reflecting on the joy, pleasure and connection we experienced it can help to traverse these lands of highs and lows. The world is not black and white ( confession: as a chronic black and white thinker, I can hear my therapist laughing in the background as I type this ) yet it is a nuanced tapestry of black, white, greys and everything in-between. Holding onto an awareness of this knowledge and reminding ourselves that the grey is where the peace is, can be soothing in these moments. Much like the harsh contrasting elements of Newtons imagery, the intensity of kink and bdsm can sometimes hide us from the nuance, from the greys in-between, it is helpful to remember that there is calm to be found in the nuance and peace in the grey.
This may all seem a little dark and you may be thinking why would anyone even engage in this kind of exploration if there is this potential ‘drop’ waiting for you around the corner? The answer to this for me is very simple: to live is to take risks, to live is to be vulnerable, to live is to say yes to new experience and new exploration, to live is to know that highs and lows, and pain and pleasure, and joy and sadness are all an incremental part of the human experience, and if it were not for this contrast we would not know what joy or pleasure even was. So dive in, explore those desires and kinks you have kept hidden away in a box, afraid of the other side, find a safe and loving space to explore and hold each other through the of highs and lows and all the greys in-between.
